The "Hippie's" Dark Corner Of Thoughts

"X-Amount Of Words"
"X-Amount Of Words" by: Blue October

Relapse
Prevent trigger intent
Now drown
High strung
Say X amount of words

You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it

You mold, you mold
Yeah you shape to mold
Oh you're bold you're bold
But your shape is bold

You're a symptom superficial
To what they call knowing you
Minus the speed,
Could you imagine the phobia?

Your brain is faulty wiring
the reason for tiring
Keep treating the curse,
Imagine the worst
Systematic, sympathetic
Quite pathetic, apologetic, paramedic
Your heart is prosthetic

A plate of quite peculiar
On a dish of my own
A tablespoon of feather
tickle me to the bone
Give me recipes for happy
with the chemicals gone
Drinking freedom from a bottle
to the tune of belong

I'm sick of shaking
never waking
from the hell I achieve
I never knew you till you left me
with the crying disease

Another curing, reassuring
way to buckle the knees
So mistreated, I repeated
Never blessing your sneeze

Now deleted and defeated
I will stand on my own
Yeah your memory that punches me
has broken the bone

Give me recipes for sorry
I'm admitting I'm wrong
Still your memory that punches me
has broken the bone
---------------------------------------

I have had these feelings. At the moment I'm pretty much in control of & over my insanity. Some days it feels like there is a great effort put into me staying of "normal" mind. That's because I'm not "normal" there is no normal. If you think there is you may have more problems than I do.

---Come on.----

People are all so different that how can there be a norm? We see advertisements that show skinny women & buff men plastered all over the media, city, store, magazines, etc. But that doesn't mirror who Americans are! We are overweight, unstable, real, breathing humans that don't fit the media's dreamland. Sure, we want to look pretty &/or handsome but who says that means looking like everybody else? If you believe the only right way to look is like those fake, plastic stars in Hollywood. Wake the fuck up! It's ok to be who you are & not what people think you should be. This goes for the media, friends, family, peers, everybody! We cause ourselves stress & pain that is not needed. Stop, please, I don't want to see any of my friends fucked up & stressed out over not being like Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt... Even though I do think those 2 are hot, I know I'm not them (not even close).

The realistic goals I hold for myself are to be healthy, around 150-175 lbs., have my diabetes under control, get my teeth reconstructed, get implants where I lack teeth, & to love what I can about myself! Currently I am having slight problems with my health again & it's discouraging, This last week & a half my legs have been extremely swollen. Wednesday I went to my doctors & they took me off Advania (diabetic pill) & put me on Gluophage (a different diabetic pil). Yesterday morning I woke up vomiting & felt sick & sleepy all day. This morning I have to get blood drawn & then I have another doctor's appointment this coming up Wednesday. I also asked my doctor about the Lap Band surgery which is where they surgically put a rubber band thingy on your stomach to make you eat less & loose weight. The doctor has referred me & hopefully my insurance covers the surgery! I so want to loose weight & it's not happening through diet. As far as exercise, I haven't been able to do much because of my legs swelling & being infected.
This has become quite the rant & up-date. I'm tired & ready to crash out for a few hours. Peace out all & thanks for being my friends!!!

If you go to my My Space page: http://www.myspace.com/tabbaleebizzaro I did not do that to my page. If you are a friend & aren't there anymore... I'm sorry. I got hacked, big fucking time! I don't know what I can do. My Space even denies the fact that my e-mail is mine & I haven't gotten anything back from them. Anybody out there who can help &/or suggest anything... Please do!!!

♠ Pick your birth month.
♠ Strike out anything that doesn't apply to you.
♠ Bold the 5 to 10 that best apply to you.
♠ Copy to your own journal, with all 12 months.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality & abstract. Intelligent & clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy & humble. Honest & loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive & easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring & stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams & hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment & leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious & ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.



JANUARY:
Stubborn & hard-hearted. Ambitious & serious. Loves to teach & be taught. Always looking at people's flaws & weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking & productive. Smart, neat & organized. Sensitive & has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn & money cautious.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality & abstract. Intelligent & clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy & humble. Honest & loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive & easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring & stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams & hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment & leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious & ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy & reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous & sympathetic. Loves peace & serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative & returns kindness. Observant & assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream & fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:
Active & dynamic. Decisive & hasty but tends to regret. Attractive & affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly & solves people's problems. Brave & fearless. Adventurous. Loving & caring. Suave & generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself & others. Sickness usually of the head & chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY:
Stubborn & hard-hearted. Strong-willed & highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others & loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically & mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear & neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature & the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite & soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy & always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny & humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom & to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental & unpredictable. Moody & easily hurt. Witty & sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical & unnecessary things. Guides others physically & mentally. Sensitive & forms impressions carefully. Caring & loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary & sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach & dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave & caring. Brave & fearless. Firm & has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous & egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful & cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead & to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music & defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty & trusty. Romantic. Loving & caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:
Suave & compromising. Careful, cautious & organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm & cool. Kind & sympathetic. Concerned & detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever & knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure & traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner & physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Doesn’t care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts & literature. Touchy & easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just & fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique & brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine & strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave & generous. Patient. Stubborn & hard-hearted. If there’s a will, there’s a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Doesn’t appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built & tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest & keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:
Loyal & generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games & interactions. Impatient & hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest & trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Today I discussed severed penises & apple cores...

It all started when Amanda finished eating her apple while in the back of the truck. Willie had also eaten an apple & was going to throw away the apple core. Suddenly Amanda pipes up & says "I've wrapped my apple core in a penis. Can you throw mine away too?!" But of course, that's not what she REALLY said! The actual statement was much less disturbing, "I've wrapped my apple core in a Keenex."

Kleenex, penis... Yeah, I have a dirty mind. The most soiled aspect of all this was the mental imagery that popped into my minds eye. A severed penis, deflated, squishy, & wrapped around an apple core to the best of it's abilities. Don't ask, I swear I don't know how or where my mind wanders to most of the time when left idle.

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 3 people about this game.
• Stearns is the one that you love.
• Aaron is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Melissa.
• Eli is the one who knows you very well.
• Sarah is your lucky star.
• Your Sweet Six Six Six is the song that matches with Stearns.
• Riders On The Storm is the song for Aaron.
• Bad Things is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and Happy Phantoms is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz

You've got to be shitting me, man! I couldn't believe what I was seeing on this web site, I mean, come on... I know we all have to believe in something but I think some people have taken religion a bit overboard!

http://marryourdaughter.org/index.php

Let me know what you all think about this site, please?!
Reading a few ads made my stomach sour. Those poor girls, I highly doubt that's what they would want to have happen. Sure, it's 1 thing to be old-fashioned & Christian (or religious in any way)... But it's completely uncalled for to have arranged marriages in the 21st century in the USA!!!

Always striving for peace in a country that loves war...
Tabba Lee Bizzaro

I'm having a hell of a fucking Monday. I just found out I've been dropped from 1 of my classes, Graphic Design 3. I didn't realize the class met on Mondays & Wednesdays. I missed the 1st class because I was ill I didn't get told the usual "See you Wednesday" or whatever the fuck she would've said. Now I can't take the class & I am hoping that doesn't screw up any of my loans &/or pell grants. The professor didn't even bother to respond to my e-mail I sent her 2 weeks ago. She didn't send me an e-mail saying she dropped me either. Fucking bitch!!!
Now I have 4 hours of nothing to do & can't really go home because of me & my stupid, broke ass not having a vehicle & license. Shit! This venting & ranting isn't even helping make me feel any better. Argh!!! I so wish I knew someone close to me (in Lansing) that could go to the bar or have a bitch session with. ARRRGGGHH!!!

I haven’t been writing any blogs lately for a few reasons that I’m (still) leaving unsaid. I know that’s rude to tempt you with the possibilities of knowing what’s been going on inside my melon. Sorry but I'll bring everybody up to date quickly as I can. At the moment it’s late (well, early) & I should have went to sleep hours ago.

The major events that has happened:
August 18th - My brother, Bryan got married to Sarah. After the wedding reception my dad, step-mom, & I drove the bride & groom to their hotel, only to find out that Bryan wasn’t going to wake up on his own. I had to call 911 & we all spent the night in the Lapeer hospital because Bryan had alcohol poisoning.

August 23rd - Steve & I went up to Mt. Pleasant for the Central Michigan University surplus sale the on Friday & camped out in the parking lot for 14 fucking hours. I cried, I bitched, he laid on the guilt, he got angry... No fun, I was about to call my mommy!!! (That’s never even crossed my mind before!!!)

August 24th to the 26th - Friday Steve & I went to the sale where I brought my mom a $50 laptop. Saturday I woke up with a sore throat & a headache. I didn’t think anything of it & did what Steve wanted. By Sat. night I had the flu, fever, chills, body ache, & felt like absolute shit. We were camping out on his sister’s floor by the way. On Sunday, Steve & I went to his great grandpa’s 100th birthday party. I still had the flu & did what Steve wanted (again).

August 27th - I woke up to get ready for college classes (1st day of the fall semester) to find out I wasn’t going to go. My left foot had gotten infected somehow & I had to go to the hospital instead of school! Fucking shit, can I get a break?! Oh fuck no man!!! Luckily I was able to make it to 2 out of my 4 classes after going to the ER. Steve took me, poor bastard didn’t know I planned on breaking up with him the next day.

August 28th & 29th - Went to college both days for 1 class on each day. On Tuesday, Steve had gone home & later that night I did break up with him. He didn’t make me happy... I wasn’t going to torture myself with staying in an unhappy & unhealthy relationship.

Labor Day weekend - Saturday my mom, sisters, & my mom’s boyfriend, Mark stayed the night. They all left by 11:30am Sunday though. Sunday night my grandma, Willie had dinner with her friends & I at the house. Monday I slept... No classes because of the holiday.

As far as dentist appointments, I’ve had 3 in that time span. Right now I have stitches in my mouth from having 2 teeth pulled & the socket preserved (for implants later). Believe me you don’t want to know what goes on to preserves the socket. I’ve told people & they cringe & wince. The stitches hurt everyday but I’ll get them removed on the morning of Sept. 13th. Advil has been my friend 2 to 3 times a day! Classes are going well & I’m loving having a schedule in my life again. This summer was awe-some thanks to friends & being able to hang out & visit so much. Now I have to buckle down & get serious for the next 4 months! I’ll write more often now that I’m free to do so. Thankfully I shook off my beast of burden & realized being happy is healthy. Just because I want love, doesn’t mean I’ll fuck anybody! -Yes, that’s mean but that’s the truth & the truth is always better than lies!!!

Tabatha Anne Howay

There are 16 letters in your name.
Those 16 letters total to 60
There are 7 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, & balance. The 6 is helpful & ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying & balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you'll devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you're very loving, friendly, & appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, & generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest & most concerned parent & 1 often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness & honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the #6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting & demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities & causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a #7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, & retreating to periods of being alone & away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream & develop you idealistic understandings, to study & analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back & withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, & you'll be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, & your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You're very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation & social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends & you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert & isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority & recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

It has been 13 days & Steve is still with me. Today we are at the stab lab, he is donating plasma for $20. I thought about trying but the wait for 1st time donors is way too long. Yesterday we went to the public library in Lansing, borrowed 7 movies, & went home (my place). I cooked dinner and we watched "Red Green the Movie", "Anchorman", & "Talladega Nights". A relaxing night since I had 3 teeth pulled on Wednesday & still recovering. Steve has been at my house since Saturday afternoon. I am ragging & recovering but he has been great dealing with me! Today we are going to finish here, get a bite to eat, go back to Willie's house, I have to pack, & on to Owosso (Steve's place). I am going to pack for a week because on Thursday (or at the latest, Friday) we are going to Davison to visit everybody. Friday night Steve, Vic, & I are going to The Machine Shop for the Mushroomhead concert! Our tickets are bought & on my desk!!! On Saturday Melissa wants to get together, meet Steve, & party. I don't know when I will be home but I have to be to my next dentist appointment on August 1st. That is my next painful date for 3 more extractions (teeth pulled, jaw bone scraped, & stitches). Oh by the way, the 5 days of camping in Chesaning was pretty cool. Steve and I got to know each other (in & out of the tent). He is a nice guy & fucking awe-some in the sack! Let me put it this way, he made me melt & I could still feel it the next day!!! Yeah, it was that good. He is fun to be around and so far I like him. I do not know if we will be together long term but it will be fun while we last. You never know what will happen though. Last Saturday night we got to listen to the Buckcherry, Papa Roach, & Hinder concert from camp for free. Hinder rocked live but the other 2 bands were not that great. Even though it was fun camping, I was happy to be home & surrounded by 4 solid walls. I hope this weekend is just as groovy if not better! Steve is a little worried he is not going to fit in with my friends. I do not think there will be a problem, my friends are super sweet & if I am happy they are not going to care! I have talked to Melissa on the phone & she said "As long as he is treating you good, I will like him."

Early morning to a busy day. I have been up for 2 hours & 15 minutes & already went to my doctor appointment. Now I am on the #3 bus headed to Rite-Aid, National City, & Lane Bryant. I need to buy another pair of stretch jeans because they're cooler in the summertime.

That's not really what I want to write about though. Exciting stuff has begun to happen in my life! I have been IM-ing a guy named Steven for about a month now. 2 days ago we talked on the phone & had a very "exciting" time. Then Steven asked me if I would like to join him this week for a Renaissance reenactment camp in Chesaning. At 1st I was not going to go since we have not met in person yet. But he talked me into going, telling me how much fun we will have, & on Saturday we will be able to listen to the Hinder, Buckcherry, & Papa Roach concert for free. I couldn't turn him down, my curiosity & adventurous spirit eats that shit up man! Last night we talked for awhile & then had another awe-some phone sex session. God, I am in need of a good, hard lay! It has been a year & 8 months since I have had (actual) sex. Sure, I have a vibrator but that does not fulfill that primal urge completely. Masturbation sates the sexual need but it is like chewing gum when you're hungry. No comparison to the "real" thing. Like I told Steven last night, my mind is in the gutter (& I like it).

Back to the plans of today... After I get my errands accomplished I have to go home, shower, & finish packing. Steven is picking me up later & we are heading to the camp in Chesaning. There we will get dressed in our Renaissance garb & join in the reenactment festivities! We will get to know each other, have fun, & maybe more but I'm going to take it slow. Although you would not guess that since we have had phone sex twice already. I still can't believe I felt comfortable enough to do that (& I was not even faking). The true chemistry has yet to be felt. I hope neither of us are let down. No matter what, I hope we have fun. Yes, it can be clean fun but the dirtier the better!!! For now I have to get off the bus & keep my heart from getting ahead of myself. I am a hopeless romantic with a soul of silver waiting to be mined!

First Impressions... Oh how dangerous those can be to relationships & ourselves. I do think I put my insecurities & dis-likes into my first impressions of others. It is a subconscious reaction to meeting a person for the first time especially when you are feeling unsure of yourself or them. I have meet people & yes, sex has entered my brain but I tend not to jump any strange bone that walks my way. By nature, I seem like a loner to most people even though that is far from the truth. I love people but in small amounts (if that makes any sense). People have told me that I would have more friends if others would just get to know me... Many years ago when I heard that, I thought, "No Shit!" Yet, I am finding out that not knowing or getting to know that many people is not a bad thing. Sure, I love my friends & happy that I can converse with acquaintances but I do not need everybody getting to know me. I have no real fear of rejection, it is going to happen, it sucks, and that is life. The thing that eats my brain is fake people (those "friends" you could have, should have bypassed). So, now that I have derailed a bit from first impressions... I find myself making first impressions & wishing my brain would stop & wait until I get to know that person better. As far as the “5 minute” thing, I do not follow that. I feel that having sex with a man should be thought out & hold meaning in my heart & head. There have been people that I have met & did not like at all, then the next 3 times they redeem themselves from their first impression. I know I do not put off that great of a first impression & trying to understand that all of us, being human, shine in a different gleam of the prism of life.

Still traveling & visiting in between dentist & doctor appointments. Even though a lot has happened & I have not been writing, I think that is a positive thing. Last year I started writing when life got too tough for me to harbor all of the negative thoughts, events, & situations inside. Sure, I have my days where I get moody, do not want to face reality but that is life man! On those days I stay quiet or out of others paths. No big deal, the night is a promise of a new day. I spent 10 days from June 18th to June 28th at Stearns’s house. Then on June 29th I had my 2nd dentist appointment in Ann Arbor. My dentist said I have to get my gums in a healthy condition before she starts the major work. So, I got my few teeth in my head cleaned. Now I have to do my part & brush them gums back to normal. On Saturday Willie & I drove up to my mom’s house. Willie went to baby-sit my sisters; I had the opportunity to go with Bryan & Sarah down to Grandma Howay’s house. They had to go to church on Sunday for their last meeting with the preacher since they are getting married on August 18th 2007. We stayed at Grandma’s & all of us went to church Sunday morning. I have not gone to church in at least 4 years (maybe longer). No, I did not burst into flames as soon as I walked in but I felt a bit warm! Ha, ha, ha. It is not that I am anti-church; it’s just not my forte. I am religious in my own way but I wish I knew more direction & spiritualism that meshes with how I am & feel. Lack of a concrete religion bothers me from time to time but I have not taken any actions toward solving my dilemma. Mainly because I do not know what to do, where to turn, or even how to look! For now, I am living, having fun, traveling, & not being a dreamy, escape artist of life. Tomorrow I am going over to Crystal’s house for a 4th of July cook-out. I will spend the night at Stearns’s house & come back to Grandma Howay’s house Thursday. Of course my dad’s spending Thursday night at Grandma’s; we will have dinner together, & watch television all evening long. At least I get to chow on Grandma’s yummy breaded pork chops & watch cable TV! There is a bright side to almost everything dude!!! Friday morning I will have to wake up early (5am should not exist) to catch the Amtrak train in Lapeer at 6am. Back to Lansing for 3 weeks but I will be in Davison in time to go see Mushroomhead at the Machine Shop on July 27th! Woot!!!

I left Lansing May 11th 2007, almost a month away from my own bed. I do not miss the comforts of home because I live with my grandma, Willie. My original plan of returning home to Lansing on June 4th was changed. I had signed up for 1 summer class at LCC which would have started today. The class was cancelled hence my returning home did not happen. There were not enough students enrolled in Advance Digital Imaging (the only class I needed this summer). Bummer but maybe it was for the best with getting my teeth worked on. I have my first dentist appointment scheduled for June 14th at a specialist in Ann Arbor. Sure, I am nervous but damn excited too! I hope to have teeth by the time my brother gets married on August 18th. Anyway, back to the story of what has been going on since I have been sparse in my entries. I was at Stearns's house in Davison from May 11th until May 27th. I wish I did not have to end my visit with Stearns, Ken, Crystal, Melissa, & the rest of my friends there. I had a wonderful time drinking, hanging out, feeling like I actually fit in somewhere in this big, bad world. Went to a bon-fire at Jim & Shelly’s, drank at the house on several occasions, & generally had a groovy time. Even visited Grandma Howay for 3 days. Then on May 27th, Melissa drove me to Vassar to meet my mom & half-sisters. I told my mom I would come up to watch my sisters. In turn, my mom told me we could go out 1 night to drink & hang out together. I must have been blinded by the chance of drinking with my mom because I said yes. In all my years I have never went out, drinking with my mom. We were never close & I thought that had changed, I was wrong! I have been here at my mom’s house for 12 days so far & that promised night out is not going to happen. She said she really does not have the extra money, she is tired, does not have anyone to watch the girls, excuse after excuse. Ugh, I should have known but I was once again deceived. Of course I brushed the situation off like it was no big deal so that she did not lay a heavier guilt trip on me. My mom is 1 of the best when it comes to guilt trips & I fucking hate that! Come on now, I am an adult, just tell me the fucking truth!!! If she has enough money to go out with her friends, why not me?! I will get over this but it will take time. I will also remember & learn from my mistakes. Tonight I am heading over to my brother & fiancé's house (Bryan & Sarah). Saturday Bryan will turn 24 years old & Sarah thought we could do something for him. I know I will enjoy my break from my mom & sisters!

Busy yet excited are my 2 words of late. Spring semester ends in 1 week for me. I had my Employment & Business Issues for Artists class on April 21st & 22nd. A whole weekend from 9am-5pm listening to just how much I will be needing a good attorney someday! It was a very informative class but defiantly an eye-opener. The possibilities are wide open as far as a Graphic Designer & employment situations. Learning about being a free-lancer seems wonderful! Work at home, keep your own hours, & all the fun contracts, taxes, laws, & legal shit. Hmmm... I guess that is when I need to go, is working naked worth it?! If you answered no, you seriously need to shed your inhabitations more! Come on, it is so worth it people!!! Not saying I am a nudist or love my body but being nakie can be fun & freeing! No, sex can not be called research for work. But, but, what if I have to design a new advertisement for K Y Jelly?! See! Possibilities are wide open. Ha, ha, ha!

Now that I have diverted & ended up in the gutter with female lubrications... Ewww, sorry if you have a vivid imagination! Really, that was horrible.

Back to the ho hum... My 4-20 was low this year. No smokie, smoke for me but I did go to Mac's Bar for their Metal Fest. Had 4 strong Southern Comforts & Mountain Dews, listened to 6 different bands, & got hit on by 2 lesbians (I think). Maybe I am partial to Lapeer & Flint local bands but I really was disappointed at most of Lansing's local metal I heard. 2 bands caught my attention though, their names are Bi-Polar & Endless Aisle. Last Tuesday I went & had 3 teeth pulled. Of course I have no dental coverage or insurance. Willie was nice enough to pay for the dentist to get me out of impacted hell. My face was huge & in fucking major pain! Wednesday I had class & Thrusday through Saturday I spent in the computer labs & math lab doing homework. Thursday I passed my MATH107 final with an 80% which put me at a 4.0 GPA overall! Woot!!! Sunday was my day to sleep & that I did, 13 hours to be exact. When I finally emerged from hiberation I cleaned my bedroom & reorganized. Of course Monday came rolling on in & another busy week begun. Yesterday I worked on my final project for Web Design (ARTS173), it is a 5 page web site created, designed, & made by me! Ugh, code is so not my friend. I took a break in the afternoon & rode the bus to the Meraidan Mall in East Lansing. Had to go to Hot Topic & buy blue hair dye. My blue hair has faded a lot in 2 months, sadness. Today I had class, worked on assignments, messed around on-line, & basically avoided going home. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night & I have been up since 6:40am. It’s 2 minutes to 7pm now & I feel like I could drink all the go-go juice in the world & still feel fuzz brained. I just thought of that term "fuzz brained" & it is fun to say, try it sometime! Today has not really been productive, that tends to happen when I am overly fuzz brained! Ha, ha!!! Oh man, I am going to stop my nonsense now. Bye!

Invest in Michigan - Invest in the Arts

Rally for the Arts: 9 - 10:30 am on April 18 in the 1st floor Rotunda, Capitol Building, Lansing, Michigan

TODAY'S UPDATES:

1) Legislators need to know their constituents will be attending, so if you are planning to attend the rally, please let your legislator know & invite them to attend as well.

2) Thank you to all who have sent in testimonials detailing the affect the moratorium is having on your organization & in your community. The information is being compiled & will aid us in our efforts to make the case for arts & cultural funding. If you have yet to send us a testimonial, there is still time - please send directly to aric@artservemichigan.org PLEASE NOTE: We experienced problems with our email server between Friday, April 6 to Tuesday, April 10, so if you sent a testimonial during this period, we ask that you resend it.

3) Our Home Page (www.artservemichigan.org) is being updated daily & is your best source for the latest information on the current funding issues, event details for the rally, plus ideas, tools & resources that'll aid you in taking action for the arts in your community.

4) We are asking people planning to attend the rally to register online via our Resource page. The event is free &, although registration isn't required, the information you provide will help us determine how many supporters to anticipate & from where so we can include this information in our public outreach efforts & media communications.

5) Shows of Solidarity - Whether or not you are able to attend the rally, consider bringing the message home to your local legislators, communities & the media through a symbolic gesture. Specific recommendations on how to do this may be found in our Action List which will be continually updated over the next several days. Also, once you have determined what you or your organization will do to bring the message to your local community, please send word to us (aric@artservemichigan.org) so we can compile the efforts being made across the State & paint a statewide picture for the media.

Thank you for your support.
-ArtServe Michigan
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In a State of Crisis: Mobilizing The Arts Community for Michigan

Michigan is facing a defining moment. In the next weeks & months, we will either find out that our citizens & the elected officials who represent them understand that reinventing Michigan & its economy is a MUST for our survival or... We will discover that the rhetoric of reinvention, the creative economy, human capital, innovation & entrepreneurship means nothing in which case, Michigan will continue its steady decline. The Governor's decision to put a moratorium on all state grants effectively freezing $7.5 million promised to arts & cultural organizations of all sizes & throughout Michigan coupled with the Senates' proposal to cut the funding for those grants by $3.6 million in the current fiscal year demonstrate a lack of understanding about the essential role that this sector plays in turning the rhetoric into impact.

The bottom line is - as part of a healthy human ecosystem, Michigan MUST have a strong, diverse & vibrant arts & cultural sector in order to create a quality of life that'll retain & attract the talent we so desperately need... The workforce, the businesses, the entrepreneurs & visitors we need to survive & thrive in the New Economy. Consequently, we need to collectively take a stand that continued disinvestment in Michigan's arts & cultural sector is unacceptable & damaging to Michigan's future.

To bring this message home, ArtServe will hold a rally at the State Capitol from 9:00am - 10:30am, Wednesday, April 18th. While details are still being worked out, the event will consist of addresses from 4-6 major business leaders, followed by ArtServe very publicly "pressing" our elected officials to take action on these 4 Key Requests:
1) End the current moratorium on state grants to arts & cultural organizations.
2) No cuts for the Michigan Council for Arts & Cultural Affairs in the current fiscal year (2007).
3) At least a $1 million incremental increase in fiscal year 2008 to begin restoring funding to past levels for arts & cultural grants.
4) Stable & adequate funding for arts education & arts educators

We all need to step to the plate & take action. To maximize our individual & collective efforts, please click the following links to access the Message legislators need to hear from you; a specific list of Actions we are requesting of arts organizations & individuals; the Speaking Points with which to familiarize yourself; a list of 29 key legislators specific to this issue; & details on Proposals (access this information by clicking on the Proposals link on ArtServe's Web site) currently being considered by the legislature.

If you have any questions, please contact ArtServe's Director of Advocacy, Drew Buchholz, at (517) 371-1720 extension 222 or by e-mail at drew@artservemichigan.org.

I got all creative & resourceful... Now I have a working banner for myself. Just wanted to share that with everybody!

Oh yeah, also found out that my ex that wanted me back so badly last week has been seeing some new chick for 2 weeks already. Lovely shit, huh?! I don't feel like ranting tonight. I'll get to that soon enough I'm sure.

Yesterday when I woke up I remembered my dream... How could I not?! It still felt like there were glass shards in my mouth & a raw feeling all the way down my throat. It was 1:28pm & I had to write down everything I dreamt. Here's the dream:

I was living in an old Victorian mansion with 3 room-mates (2 girls & 1 guy). We were renting the price for a real cheap rate. The odd thing was that I had dreamt of this house before. I could remember living there previously with Ericka & her parents while I was going to high school. The layout was the same, just the decorations were (of course) different.

I was talking with my mom on the phone, pacing in the entry way. The sun was shining in through the windows yet the house seemed chilly. Could've been an air conditioner but I doubt it. The house seemed to have too many dark corners & shadows for a "normal" place. After I hung up the phone, 1 of my female room-mates descended the stairs & asked me if I was going to make dinner. I said I didn't care; I'd do it if she wanted me to. She shrugged & went into the kitchen. Then there was a knock on the front door. I opened the door & saw 2 men in suits; they asked if they could come in & ask a few questions. I didn't have anything else pressing to do & said I didn't care. I felt curious as to what the "questions" were going to be. I let them in & introduced myself. They, in turn, introduced themselves as ghost hunters & wanted to know if the rumors were true, that this house was haunted. Hesitant at 1st, I knew it was in fact haunted but my room-mates didn't have a clue. So, I told (the other female room-mate) to go get the gentlemen drinks & waited until she left the living room. She did & I began telling my previous encounters with the ghosts of the house. I knew where (in the house) the spirits would bother me & haunt so I stayed away from those areas. The places that were the worst were the upstairs bedrooms (2 that used to be children's), the basement in the farthest away from the stairs, & a parlor room that was connected by a door to the living room. The men asked why I would live here knowing that it was haunted & that the spirits weren't kind ones? I replied that the rent is cheap, I love the Victorian architecture, & my friends didn't know about it being haunted. "I'm fine, as long as I don't go in certain places, really!" I added. By this time I figured my room-mates have heard the conversation & didn't care, I was tired of keeping a secret. The 2 men & I continued talking, I told them of my times living there with Ericka & of all my encounters with the houses ghosts & spirits. All the while, the men were excited, writing down notes, & recording everything that was spoken. 1 of the ghost hunters asked me of my prior knowledge of ghosts before living here the 1st time. I said I didn't even believe in ghosts & had never seen any before coming to this house. He seemed pleased at my response but I don't know why, odd though. After (it felt like) 2-3 hours of talking & questioning the men asked if they could bring in their camera crew & look around the house. I made sure my room-mates gave the go-ahead, tidied up the house, & the 2 men started bringing in equipment. I stood back, out of the way, amazed at the whole situation. They (crew & all) filmed, looked, explored, & used some high tech gadgets for about an hour. My room-mates & I begun feeling uncomfortable & grumpy about the intrusion. I wanted the crew to get out of our house! So, I interrupted the camera guys & 1-by-1 escorted everyone out of the house. I said "I hope you got everything you needed but now is the time to leave! I can't have our lives bothered anymore!!!" "We understand, thank you for your time." the ghost hunters curtly said. They were disappointed but left (like sad dogs with their tails between their legs). I felt cranky & slammed the door closed. As I turned around I felt a cold breeze waft my face. Suddenly I had chips & small shards of glass in my mouth! I spit into my hand to find the glass was clear except for a bit of my blood on the pieces. Rushing to the nearest garbage can, I continued to try & rid my mouth of the glass. The last thing I remember was my room-mate watching me in twisted horror. I knew I was trying to be silenced by the angered ghosts & spirits of the house!

This month has started off pretty damn exciting! Jaclyn & Jeanette have been here since Saturday and went home today. Eli pulled a hell of an April Fools joke on me & many other people!!! He wrote a fake suicide letter and posted it on MySpace as a bulletin. I read it Sunday night before crawling into bed with Jaclyn (she loves sleeping with me). At 1st I thought he was serious and cried for an hour. Then, realizing it was April 1st... Fucking shit! Duh!!! It had to be a joke I thought & went to sleep. Soggy pillow and stupid emotions be damned. What hell words and emotions can play with the human mind! Of course Eli let everyone know it was a joke the next day. No big deal, fucking brilliant joke, and I had the giggles because I was happy for him to be alive. I did not think he would commit suicide but lately other people have been doing other acts I would not imagine them doing. I got doubtful of him & his faith. I feel bad for doing & thinking negative but I guess I do not know him as well as I thought.